By: Lou Maze
Goat Humour Columnist

I’ve been with my husband for 24 years. He spent the first decade trying to convince me I snored.
My denial ran deep. Snoring was for middle aged men with beer bellies, who spit tobacco juice and had hair sprouting from their ears and nose.

I was too feminine to snore. I lifted my pinkie when I drank tea. The same pinkie remained rigid if I was handling a mug of coffee or a pint of beer. My posture was positively regal. I stood like a lady, my feet the right distance apart, big toe pointed towards the person I was conversing with.When I sat, I crossed my ankles and not my knees. How could such a genteel creature produce such a guttural sound?

He got so desperate he tried recording my snoring. With great flamboyance he produced the recording device and hit play and all that emanated from it was static. Utterly defeated he said, “I guess it doesn’t work when it’s under the bed.”

I looked at his loveable, exasperated, sleep deprived face and considered the possibilities. Either he was insane, or I snored. I chose the most likely explanation.

Unlike addiction, where admitting the problem is the first step, admitting you snore doesn’t get you anywhere. I made serious attempts not to snore but the very second I go to sleep, I snore.

I tried every sleep position short of hanging upside down. We tried nasal strips and herbs. I tried staying awake until he went to sleep. That worked till he developed a twitch. He’d be fast asleep, I’d nod off, and he’d jerk. Sometimes he muttered obscenities.

My snore is not a delicate wheeze, spiced with the occasional little snort. I am loud. I wake myself up. You can hear me in the next room. You can hear me in the next, next room.

There are some perks. My son does a rollicking imitation of my snore at social gatherings and everyone gets a good laugh. I always get a private room when I go to the hospital and I don’t need to ask for it, my roommates do that for me. On long road trips I can keep the driver awake even when I’m not.

My husband no longer complains about my snoring. Now he says he has a hard time sleeping if I am not there. He is either lying or going deaf.