Stop being an annoying pessimist

by Mak Upstuff

The verdict is in. According to a recent study by the Institute for Understanding Rural Behaviour located in Tete Jaune Cache, British Columbia, you can contribute to your community by not being an annoying pessimist.

Scientist Pierre Bostonais said he initially wanted to test what would happen when annoying pessimists acted like happy, well rounded citizens, but his budget was limited to several million dollars, which many pessimists said would not be enough.

In his study, Bostonais found that test subjects who suspend their annoying pessimism for just 15 minutes a day stopped sucking up vast amounts of energy from their neighbours and friends.

While long term outcomes didn’t always improve for the test subject, their peers and neighbours noted big improvements to their quality of life.

Some test subjects reported making new friends, though Bostonais, felt it may have been a side effect of the anti-annoyance pills.

Lexi Murphy, a teenage test subject from just west of Clemina, said that she felt happier and healthier during the study.

“It was weird, because, like, my family seemed less terrible,” said Murphy, briefly glancing away from her phone. “Life didn’t seem so bad.”

However she said she was unlikely to stop being annoying and pessimistic.

“I’ll eventually just get pessimistic again, I know it,” she said, as she chewed her nail. “Besides, it’s not my fault that my family are idiots.”

Bostonais said he hopes the publicity his study is getting will help him shine a light on other annoying social behaviours.

He is currently in talks with the Sub National Research Council about funding a parallel study looking at annoying optimists.

Did you know the Goat could not operate without people buying the newspaper? Subscribe today!