By: Lou Maze

I wish I had a time machine so I could hear what cats will be talking about in a few million years. I know they will be talking because mine are chatterboxes now and if we continue to live so closely together, they will no doubt progress to forming sentences in several global languages.

Dogs are just aching to talk, they’re squirming their rear ends off from wanting to. So I think dogs will talk before cats because they have more to gain. A dog’s first word will probably be “walk?” And they are likely to stay stuck on this one for generations. Until they master “I pooped” and then the inevitable, “Pick it up” will follow.

Once their tongues learn to wag like their tails, our days of peaceful jaunts in the park are finished. Every step will be punctuated with a slobbery, “We’re going for a walk! We’re going for a walk! Where to? Where to? Oh goody! Oh goody! Let’s play fetch. Can we? Huh? Can we? Huh? Can we?” The enthusiasm we found so endearing will drive us to throw sticks and balls into traffic and a lot more dogs will be muzzled, especially the little ones, who were annoying before the gift of speech.

Dogs will ask questions because they care what we think. Cats aren’t sure that we do. Cats might be curious about some of our behaviors but they would never lower themselves to ask. They have disdainfully decided that we take baths instead of licking our bodies ‘clean’ because we’re crazy or lazy or stupid or all three.

When cats do decide to speak to us, they will present a college-worthy vocabulary and they will make it look easy. It will probably happen after some human takes a spectacular fall prompting a feline to sniff, “Just land on your feet. I always do. Don’t pet me; you’ll get blood on my fur.”

I’m not sure if cats and dogs will bother to talk to each other. And if they do we might not want the kids to hear. I remember the way my dog glared at the cat, as it snuggled in bed with me, while she slept on a pillow on the floor. She always settled into that pillow with a grunt and a lot of huffing. She might have been speaking another language, but I know muttered obscenities when I hear them.