Lou maze

By: Lou Maze
Goat Humour Columnist

If you haven’t had a job interview for awhile there have been some changes you need to know about. Dressing appropriately and making a good impression are no longer enough, in fact, they are irrelevant; so are your sense of humor, your human warmth and your personality in general.

The interviewer comes armed with a list of questions. They will spend their time reading these, making notes and ignoring you. Occasionally they may glance up to see if you are still there or as bored as they are. Don’t even try to establish rapport; they are in a committed relationship with their questions and cannot be seduced into relying on their own social skills or instincts.

If you made it through high school and college without cheating, you have bought yourself the privilege of one big one. Get your hands on the interviewer questions, even if bribery or light kidnapping is required. It won’t help you do better during the interview but if you stutter and stammer less, it will shorten the duration of the interrogation.

Sometimes they will forward you the questions. They will suggest that you make notes and invite you to bring them with you. I suggest sending the notes and leaving yourself at home.

If you are really unlucky, or applying for a management position, there will be a panel. Don’t try imagining them naked to help you relax. They know that trick. They will do it right back at you and since there are more of them then there are of you, you will be a lot more naked than they could ever be.

There are ways to prepare yourself for these interviews. I suggest going to confession and leaving the cubicle door open. This is especially useful, if you are not Catholic. You will be confused and nervous as well as embarrassed. The more you get used to that the better. Any activity that requires you to be open and honest while risking judgment and rejection, is a good warm up.

At the end of the interview you will be asked if you have any questions. If you still want the job, you must ask a question. Come prepared with something clever and insightful. If you have decided you never want to see these people again, you must still ask a question. You can forget being clever and go for honesty. I suggest begging for your freedom. That is a question, isn’t it?