By: Lou Maze

Every year I get a column out of New Year’s Resolutions. They contain all the variables of classic comedy, human frailty, noisy promises and dramatic falls. News reports add to the hilarity with some fitness freak or psychologist analyzing why New Year’s Resolutions almost always fail. Just once I’d like the reporter to look into the camera and say “Hey, didn’t we do this same crap last year.”

My explanation for the failure of New Year’s resolutions is pretty simple. I am the same person two minutes after 12 as I was two minutes before 12. Couch potatoes who believe they can morph into Olympic athletes by turning a calendar page are doomed to fail. It is just as productive to stay on the couch and will your eye colour to change.

The only New Year’s Resolution I have ever managed to keep, was the Resolution not to make anymore Resolutions. I’ve been faithful to that one for over 30 years.

January is a tough month. The party is over. It’s not a white Christmas, now it’s just winter. Perhaps somewhere, palm trees sway in sea scented breezes but here, the snow plow has been by to liberate the street and entrap its residents. There are bills coming in for toys that are already broken, needing new batteries, or abandoned for the sake of the big cardboard box they came in. Every step out the door turns into a bitter battle against ice and gravity. All of January stretches out before us without a long weekend in sight and a bout of flu the only hope for downtime.

I’m not trying to depress you, I just want you to know that you are not alone. Ask anybody what their favorite month is and no one, on this side of an asylum wall, is going to vote for January. It is not a month we celebrate, it is a month we endure and I think it is hard enough without beating ourselves up with impossible expectations.

Be gentle with yourself. Go to the gym but head straight for the shower just to determine how big their hot water tank really is. Grab up the 75% off Christmas goodies and see how many chocolate Santas you can jam into your mouth without suffocating. Build a snowman with two heads and a protest sign that reads, “Just say no to GMO.” Circulate a petition to switch January and February, so January is the shortest month of the year. And remember, as long as your neighbours are laughing along with you, you’re not really nuts.